You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Randomize
