i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
