How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
