I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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