I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
