Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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