Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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