i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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