I wish I could punch you in the face.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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