Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
