guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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