don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Hippo gnu deer
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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