he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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