i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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