I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
