And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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