so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
