How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
