I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
