**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
