Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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