Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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