I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
