Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
