Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
