Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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