I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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