i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
