Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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