Umm I'm too high to move.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
