I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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