either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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