The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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