I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i out mim tonsoeep
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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