so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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