Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
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You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
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I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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