so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
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you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
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Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I am naked and annoyed.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk