Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
