Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
