I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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