wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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