so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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