my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
