Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
