I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
