Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
