We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
