I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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