my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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