She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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