YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
