This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Randomize
