You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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