I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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