How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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