cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
