I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
