Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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